★城裡的月光★

不是父親的父親

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

我的父親告訴我，我的母親在我很小的時候就失蹤了。

每次當我問他這類的問題，他總是這樣回答我，

說我是多麼的不幸變成單親家庭的孩子。

我花了很多時間在房間裡思考，

其實我應該感激我還有一個父親，

有一個人能照顧我、陪伴我一生。

而他也為我的存在感到欣慰，你可以從他的眼神裡看出來。

我的父親是個容易緊張的人，他喜歡獨來獨往。

我不忍苛責他也用相同的方式來養育我。

因為我的母親在我剛出生不久就失蹤了，

據我父親的說法是，母親習慣在我家附近的小路來回的慢跑

(我也曾經想這麼做，但是被他阻止了)。

他說她從此再也沒有回家，也沒有任何有關她的消息。

他還說官方的說法是她被某個想對她做不好的事的人用小貨車擄走了。

我稍大後才了解我母親不會再回來，而我要感謝我所擁有的。

我父親把母親失蹤這件事作為一個嚇唬人的方式，

讓我很快就開始害怕離開這間樹林裡的房子，

擔心自己會在經過小路時被某人用小貨車給帶走，從此再也見不到其他人。

有天我告訴父親，覺得房子裡有其他人在看我，而且想要把我帶走，

父親緊張的用床單把我的窗戶全部蓋住。

然後他告訴我「注意安全是好事，但你不可能永遠都這麼小心翼翼」。

我是獨自在家自學，經常希望能有其他的同伴，

我在電視機前長大，有一個非常喜歡不停吻我而且坐得離我很近的父親。

我一直以為這只是保護過度。

直到七歲時，有一天一個警察來到我父親的家，撲向我，把我從房子裡帶走，

我這才知道這世界還有很多事是我不了解的，包括有不同的人種，

我現在才知道，

我的"父親"是高加索人，而我卻是黑人。

當我遇到我真正的父、母親時，世上沒有任何事能解釋，

但很快地，我發現世上真的有太多新奇的事物了。

我也學到什麼叫戀童癖、強姦犯、一般犯罪者，

犯罪特徵就是他們會在不注意時抓走一些像我這樣的小女孩。

就像我生命中的前七年一樣。

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

原文：The father who wasn't a father.

My father told me the story about how my mother had gone missing at an early age. It was just routine of me to ask him every so often, being a little kid growing up with one parent, about my other family members and how I was so unlucky to just have him. I guess I spent a lot of time in my room thinking about it and how I should just be grateful that I had a father at all, somebody to take care of me and spend all my time with. And he was so thankful for me, you could just see it in his eyes.

My father was a nervous man, and he loved seclusion. I can't blame him for raising me this way. My mother went missing soon after I was born. According to him, she used to jog up and down the path from our home, something I had wanted to do until he stopped me one day. He said that she never came home and was never heard of again. The official report stated by him was that she had been picked up by somebody in a pick-up truck who wanted to do horrible things to her, and he took her away - I grew up knowing that my mother was never coming back and I had to be thankful for what I had.

My father used what happened to my mother, as a scare tactic. I was soon too terrified to go out of the house in the woods, in fears that I would too run that path and be picked up by somebody in a pick-up truck, never to be seen again. My father excitedly hung blankets over my windows the day I came to him and told him I was afraid somebody might see me in the house and want to steal me. As he told me, "It's good to be on guard. You can never be too careful."

I was homeschooled, an only child, kept from any hope with friends, raised in front of a television, with a father who liked kissing me too much and sitting too close to me. Overprotective, I used to think. One day a police officer came to my father's house when I was seven years old, and they tore me out of my home. I learned that there are different things to see in this world, including that people come in different ethnicities. I learned that my father was caucasian, and I was black.

When I met my real mother and father, no explanation in this world could get me to understand at first. But pretty soon it became apparent to me that I had never actually lived, and there was so much to see. I learned about pedophiles, rapists, generally bad people, and the signs of how they would pick up a girl like me if I wasn't careful.

Just like the first seven years of my life.